I stared at my astrologer’s computer screen. ‘You can see ALL of that from my date of birth?’

I was fifteen. It felt like I’d discovered some kind of magic. Those intricate lines and mysterious symbols held the answers to all my questions – what career should I choose, where should I go to study, is that boy right for me? I’d been exposed to healers, astrologers and mediums from an early age. By

my early teens I was setting new moon intentions every month, wishing for good luck, health and love for my family and friends. I discovered auspicious days of the month – apparently, we had those for everything, even haircuts or shopping. Once I had my own chart and learned to read it myself, I got every explanation I needed about my personality, character and life choices.

month – apparently, we had those for everything, even haircuts or shopping. Once I had my own chart and learned to read it myself, I got every explanation I needed about my personality, character and life choices. No wonder I didn’t feel like a Virgo. I had only one planet there, it just happened to be my sun sign. And, of course, I was having issues with finances because Saturn is in my weak second house (though the chart seemed to promise riches coming through a husband). Soon, I was looking at the birth charts of my crushes, feeling I had a secret key to understanding what they were all about. Who wouldn’t want an explanation for getting ghosted?

It wasn’t long before I was making most of my decisions with the help of astrology and that’s when the sense of everyday paranoia started to kick in. When Mercury was in retrograde, I was careful with my tech; I didn’t sign any papers and paid more attention to the details. Once, I didn’t order a new bank card for three weeks because of that. I applied for jobs only on the ‘good’ days and on the ‘bad’ ones I’d lower my expectations. I chose countries to live in or travel to according to my locational birth chart. It told me that Chang Mai, for example, was for breakups. ‘If you decide to end a relationship, then this combination will assist your efforts,’ said my chart, so every time I got into a new relationship, Chiang Mai was off the map. London, on the other hand, was ‘ideal for the realization of ambitious plans and undertakings’.

However, I decided not to study in the UK because, according to my astrologer, that would come at the cost of my relationship with my dad. At the peak of my addition to astrology, I had a personal astrologer I’d see once a month, followed five different YouTube astrology channels religiously for weekly horoscopes and read my personalized horoscope every day to see how I should be living my life. Yet somehow, in this meticulously planned life, everything felt so chaotic and fake.

There I was a decade later – sick, tired, burnt out, paranoid and no husband in sight to save me from my financial issues. In the previous six months I’d been sick with toxic mould poisoning, had my first shroom trip, moved countries, quit smoking after thirteen years, left my great well-paying job, dealt with family drama and navigated relationship issues. Suddenly, the chaos of my life that I’d been trying to control became so big that I couldn’t find the answers in astrology. I didn’t feel like myself anymore. Nothing about my life felt right. There was a gaping hole between the me that I’d created and the true me that I needed to discover. My identity and self-concept were crumbling before my eyes and I started questioning everything I knew about myself and about life.

I couldn’t look for answers outside of myself anymore. The only way out was to go within. So I decided – no more books, no more YouTube videos, no more tarot readings, no more healer appointments. Just me, myself, and a very confused I. What came after that was a year-long existential crisis followed by a couple of years of what’s often called ‘the dark night of the soul’. Without my birth charts, books and videos I didn’t know what I should do with my life. I felt blindsided and completely disconnected from myself. The rage and shame were overwhelming because I realized I’d done this to myself and there was no one else to blame. I was so angry at astrology and my weird, woo-woo upbringing because I knew that the more I leaned into astrology to look for answers, the further away from myself I walked. Every. Single. Day.

Looking back, there was so much fear and anxiety within me, and astrology just put a plaster on top of a deeper wound. Yes, it was temporary relief, but there was never space for true healing. I created a protection mechanism that didn’t let me fail, face consequences, or learn what I truly liked and didn’t like. I gave away my power. There was no chance to be brave enough to faceplant and pick myself back up again, disagree and voice my opinion, or accept that life sometimes is unfair and there’s nothing much we can do about it.

I’d thought I had it all figured out with my birth charts, moon calendars, tarot cards, psychics and mediums, and all I had was just a veil of control. Four years (or a very shitty Saturn Return, as astrologers would say) later, I’d love to be able to tell you that my life is fabulous and that quitting astrology and new age spirituality was the answer.

Drum roll, please…

It’s not.
I still get anxious and fear the unknown, but I feel much more resilient and much more myself with all of it – the good, the bad, the ugly. Unscripted, raw and real.